If initiation feels awkward in your relationship, you’re not alone.
We hear from couples every single day who love each other deeply and want an amazing sex life.
But they just can’t seem to figure this part out.
But they just can’t seem to figure this part out.
They tell us things like:
“It’s the elephant in the room. We both know it’s there, but we’re both too self conscious to talk about it.”
“I don’t like the way my partner initiates, but I don’t know better instructions to give.”
“I miss feeling wanted”
“I’m tired of the boob honks, dumb dirty jokes, and random gropes!”
“There’s so much pressure, it feels like there’s not any space for me to actually want it.”
“I worry we’re turning into roommates.”
In fact, only 17% of the couples in our community said initiation feels like it’s working well in their relationship.
On TV and in the movies, no one initiates. No one even talks about it.
They just lock eyes across the room and it’s ON. One smoldering glance, one brush of the fingertips, and boom! Clothes are on the floor, passion ignited, with no effort required.
The timing is always perfect, they’re both wildly turned on at the exact same moment, and miraculously, they have the time, space, and privacy to make it happen then and there.
We’ve all seen this play out thousands of times, so it’s totally normal if you think that’s what your sex life is supposed to look like.
We’ve been socialized to think initiation isn’t even a thing. That couples who have incredible, hot sex lives don’t need that.
We’re here to tell you that just isn’t true.
They just lock eyes across the room and it’s ON. One smoldering glance, one brush of the fingertips, and boom! Clothes are on the floor, passion ignited, with no effort required.
The timing is always perfect, they’re both wildly turned on at the exact same moment, and miraculously, they have the time, space, and privacy to make it happen then and there.
We’ve all seen this play out thousands of times, so it’s totally normal if you think that’s what your sex life is supposed to look like.
We’ve been socialized to think initiation isn’t even a thing. That couples who have incredible, hot sex lives don’t need that.
We’re here to tell you that just isn’t true.
There are two big reasons initiation feels way more complicated than it should:
There are two big reasons initiation feels way more complicated than it should:
Think about it… you were taught how to drive, how to write a 5-paragraph essay, even how to fold a fitted sheet (kind of 😆).
But how to let someone know you want sex without it feeling weird…
How to initiate with someone whose desire works completely differently from yours (which is usually the case) …
Nobody taught us that.
So most couples improvise. Hint. Grope. Wait. Guess.
Get the ick. Get rejected. Stop trying.
You, your partner, and the incredibly special love you share, deserve so much better than that!
But how to let someone know you want sex without it feeling weird…
How to initiate with someone whose desire works completely differently from yours (which is usually the case) …
Nobody taught us that.
So most couples improvise. Hint. Grope. Wait. Guess.
Get the ick. Get rejected. Stop trying.
You, your partner, and the incredibly special love you share, deserve so much better than that!
We’ve all been fed the same story: that sex should just happen.
No one ever taught us how to actually initiate sex.
Reason #1
Reason #2
Here’s exactly what you’ll discover:
Because you deserve so much more than “wanna do it?”
Inside The Art of Initiation, we show you step-by-step how to make initiation work in your relationship.
Not generic sex advice. Not another random influencer telling you to just “communicate more.”
Not generic sex advice. Not another random influencer telling you to just “communicate more.”
You’ll finally understand how desire works for each of you and why one person may seem ready to go out of nowhere while the other needs a little more runway. That alone can clear up a huge amount of confusion.
01
Your Sex Drive Type
There are six distinct initiation styles. And yours is the style you’re most likely to respond positively to most consistently.
Our Initiation Styles model looks at desire holistically, including the mental, emotional, physical, relational, and sensory dynamics that make you interested in sex.
So you can finally understand exactly how your partner likes to be approached.
Our Initiation Styles model looks at desire holistically, including the mental, emotional, physical, relational, and sensory dynamics that make you interested in sex.
So you can finally understand exactly how your partner likes to be approached.
02
Your Initiation Style
You’ll work through a series of questions you’ve never thought to ask each other.
The things that make you open.
The things that make you immediately think, “absolutely not.”
And if you’ve wondered things like…
“Why doesn’t that thing that used to work, work anymore?”
“Why do I bristle on some days and not others?”
“Why am I open to it on a Sunday afternoon, but a definite nope on a Tuesday night?”
This is where you’ll get the answers.
The things that make you open.
The things that make you immediately think, “absolutely not.”
And if you’ve wondered things like…
“Why doesn’t that thing that used to work, work anymore?”
“Why do I bristle on some days and not others?”
“Why am I open to it on a Sunday afternoon, but a definite nope on a Tuesday night?”
This is where you’ll get the answers.
03
Your Ideal Conditions
No more guessing what kind of initiation your partner wants.
You’ll go through dozens of specific ways to initiate, from tame to spicy, and mark each one as yes, no, or maybe.
Then you share your lists.
Suddenly you have something almost every couple wishes they had:
A menu of initiation ideas your partner has literally told you they’re into.
No mind-reading required.
You’ll go through dozens of specific ways to initiate, from tame to spicy, and mark each one as yes, no, or maybe.
Then you share your lists.
Suddenly you have something almost every couple wishes they had:
A menu of initiation ideas your partner has literally told you they’re into.
No mind-reading required.
04
Your “Hell YES!” Turn-Ons
This is a big one. A “no” to sex doesn’t have to create distance.
We’ll walk you through specific techniques for managing the times you’re not open.
So “not tonight” doesn’t feel like “not you.”
We’ll walk you through specific techniques for managing the times you’re not open.
So “not tonight” doesn’t feel like “not you.”
05
Your Reconnection Plan
Get out of “roommate mode” and create more space for intimacy you actually want!
You know what kind of initiation makes you feel desired.
Your partner knows what works for you, and you know what works for them.
You know when to try. You know what not to do.
You have dozens of ideas you already know are welcome, and you feel more confident making a move.
And when the answer is no, it doesn’t automatically feel like rejection.
Your partner knows what works for you, and you know what works for them.
You know when to try. You know what not to do.
You have dozens of ideas you already know are welcome, and you feel more confident making a move.
And when the answer is no, it doesn’t automatically feel like rejection.
Here’s what happens when you stop guessing:
You create more opportunities for sex to happen because initiation itself finally feels good for both of you.
Get out of “roommate mode” and create more space for intimacy you actually want!
(now through October 6!)
Try it out for 5 days risk-free!
Instant Lifetime Access | 5-Day Guarantee
Here’s everything you get inside The Art Of Initiation:
Our full therapist-designed system for understanding desire, identifying what makes initiation work for each of you, initiating with more confidence, and handling a “no” without destroying the mood or your connection. ($1,500 value).
01
The complete 8-module Art of Initiation course
No more standing in the kitchen wondering: “sooo… how exactly do I make this happen?”
You’ll have 61 ideas, ranging from sweet and subtle to much more direct. ($100 value).
You’ll have 61 ideas, ranging from sweet and subtle to much more direct. ($100 value).
02
61 different ways to initiate sex
Think of this as a user manual for each other. You’ll each work through your own answers as you go, then compare what you discover.
By the end, instead of trying to read each other’s minds, you’ll have the answers in front of you. ($80 value).
By the end, instead of trying to read each other’s minds, you’ll have the answers in front of you. ($80 value).
03
Your Art of Initiation Workbook
Read when you have time. Or pop in your headphones and listen while you’re commuting, walking the dog, or folding laundry.
04
Audio AND written versions of every lesson
Come back whenever your life changes or you need a refresher. The course is yours. Including every update we ever make.
05
Lifetime access
(Save $40 but only through October 6!)
Normally $89. Today, it’s all yours for $49.
$49
$89
Instant Lifetime Access | 5-Day Guarantee
That includes our guarantee: five days to try it, and if it’s not what you expected, you get every penny back. No questions asked.
To see every single lesson!
Click below
- Welcome to The Art of Initiation
- How To Get Your Partner On Board
- Is “Being Spontaneous” Killing Your Sex Life?
- Overcoming Unhealthy Gender Expectations
- Are We Talking About Sex Or Are We Talking About Emotional Intimacy?
- The Role Your Sex Drive Type Plays In Initiation
- Why Pressuring Yourself To Have Sex Only Makes Things Worse
- The New Way Of Looking At Initiation That Will Change Your Life
- The Real Reasons To Say “Yes” To Sex
- What Men And Women Really Want In An Initiation
- Uncovering Your Initiation Style
- The Game-Changing Initiation Questions You Never Knew To Ask
- The Worst Ways To Initiate
- How To Gain The Confidence To Initiate
- Guidelines For Exciting Initiations
- How To Initiate If One Of You Is Responsive
- 61 Initiations That Will Make Your Partner Excited To Say “Yes!”
- Create Your Sex Menus
- Why It’s Important To Acknowledge Your Partner’s Invitation
- The Surprising Process For Deciding Whether To Say “Yes” Or “No”
- Consider Other Options
- How To Turn Down Initiation In A Way That Actually Increases Intimacy
- How To Manage Feelings Of Rejection In The Moment
- What To Do When Initiating Feels Awkward, Vulnerable, Or Uncomfortable
- How To Handle Different Initiation Styles, Preferences, And Expectations
- How To Break Out Of The Initiation Patterns That Keep You Stuck
- How To Move Forward As A Team
- Celebrate Your Successes
Don’t just take it from us.
Take it from the couples who’ve stopped guessing and started figuring out what actually works.
You’re getting actionable advice from a real sex therapist in a long-term marriage.
Hi! We're Vanessa & Xander.
Vanessa is a licensed psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience specializing in sex and intimacy. Xander is a regular dude with a fresh perspective (and a very good sense of humor about all of this).
We’ve been featured in the New York Times, Goop, Elle, and O, The Oprah Magazine, Armchair Expert, and The Mel Robbins Podcast.
We wrote Sex Talks, a New York Times Bestseller, we host the Pillow Talks podcast, and together, we’ve helped hundreds of thousands of couples have better, more fulfilling sex.
But the reason we know so much about initiation is because…
We’ve been featured in the New York Times, Goop, Elle, and O, The Oprah Magazine, Armchair Expert, and The Mel Robbins Podcast.
We wrote Sex Talks, a New York Times Bestseller, we host the Pillow Talks podcast, and together, we’ve helped hundreds of thousands of couples have better, more fulfilling sex.
But the reason we know so much about initiation is because…
You’re getting actionable advice from a real sex therapist in a long-term marriage.
It was awkward.
Vanessa felt self-conscious initiating as a woman.
Neither of us was direct. One of us would hint. The other knew exactly what was happening, but wouldn’t let on. Because then they’d actually have to answer.
It was basically the world’s least sexy game of chicken.
Vanessa felt self-conscious initiating as a woman.
Neither of us was direct. One of us would hint. The other knew exactly what was happening, but wouldn’t let on. Because then they’d actually have to answer.
It was basically the world’s least sexy game of chicken.
It changed everything for us, and thousands of couples have used these same tools in their own relationships.
We can’t wait for you to have them too!
We can’t wait for you to have them too!
We spent years getting it wrong ourselves.
We created The Art of Initiation because these were the tools we needed ourselves.
AS SEEN IN:
Why good initiation matters:
Fewer rejections = more intimacy
When initiation feels good, the sex usually does too
No more “roommate mode”, just magnetic attraction
Builds trust, emotional connection, confidence, and desire
did you know?
Feeling sexually rejected by a partner can trigger negative emotions for up to 72 hours. That’s three days of lingering frustration, insecurity, and distance. Who wants that?
But here’s the flip side…
It comes with lasting benefits. A recent study revealed that after sex, people experience a happiness boost that can last 24 to 48 hours! Hello, afterglow!
Science says sex isn’t just about pleasure in the moment.
And here’s where it gets really interesting…
That same study found that when a partner clearly communicated their interest in sex and made their partner feel truly desired, the afterglow lasted even longer.
Not only that, but couples who practiced this kind of open, confident initiation reported higher overall relationship satisfaction.
In other words, better initiation doesn’t just lead to more sex.
It strengthens emotional connection, builds trust, and deepens your bond long after the moment has passed.
When you know how to initiate in a way that feels good for both of you, everything changes.
Built on therapist-backed, real-world strategies, The Art of Initiation has helped thousands of couples move past rejection, initiate with confidence, and create intimacy that feels exciting and mutually wanted. Every single time.
Get The Art of Initiation for just $49! Normally $89.
Price returns to $89 after October 6.
$49
$89
Instant Lifetime Access | 5-Day Guarantee
The Art of Initiation normally costs $89.
💸
And pay Vanessa’s typical rate of $1,500 per session.
And pay Vanessa’s typical rate of $1,500 per session.
Let’s talk a little about investing in your intimacy.
And since the strategies in The Art Of Initiation would take the average couple 3-5 sessions to learn and apply, that means you’d be looking at a $4,500–$7,500 investment.
Working through initiation dynamics could easily take multiple sessions. That level of private access simply isn’t realistic or necessary for every couple. And that’s one of the reasons we created digital courses.
When Vanessa was offering one-on-one couples therapy, to get this kind of personalized guidance from her, you’d need to:
🚗
Find a time that works in both of your packed schedules.
Find a time that works in both of your packed schedules.
🚦
Battle rush hour traffic just to make your session.
Battle rush hour traffic just to make your session.
We wanted our strategies to be accessible.
Private, practical, and affordable.
So you can discover the concepts Vanessa has spent decades teaching without needing a weekly therapy appointment.
So you can discover the concepts Vanessa has spent decades teaching without needing a weekly therapy appointment.
You can get the entire course for
$49
But through october 6...
Try The Art of Initiation for 5 full days. If it’s not for you, get your money back.
Get instant access. Open the course. Read the workbook. Listen to the lessons. Start figuring out your initiation styles. Look through the 61 initiation ideas.
See what you think.
If you get inside and decide, “Nope. This isn’t for us,” email us within 5 days and we’ll refund your $49.
No awkward conversation. No convincing us. No hard feelings.
You get to actually see what you’re buying before deciding whether you want to keep it.
See what you think.
If you get inside and decide, “Nope. This isn’t for us,” email us within 5 days and we’ll refund your $49.
No awkward conversation. No convincing us. No hard feelings.
You get to actually see what you’re buying before deciding whether you want to keep it.
Get it for $49 through October 6.
Instant Lifetime Access | 5-Day Money-Back Guarantee
You’ve got questions? We’ve got answers.
We get it. Bringing up a course about your sex life can feel a little vulnerable!
But it really doesn’t have to be heavy.
Instead, focus on your excitement. Say something simple like:
“I found this course about different ways couples can initiate sex, and it actually sounds really fun. Want to do it together?”
If you’re still feeling shy, that’s okay too.
You can take The Art of Initiation on your own and start bringing the tools and techniques back into your relationship without talking to your partner beforehand.
Sometimes seeing the difference those small changes make is exactly what gets a reluctant partner curious enough to join in!
But it really doesn’t have to be heavy.
Instead, focus on your excitement. Say something simple like:
“I found this course about different ways couples can initiate sex, and it actually sounds really fun. Want to do it together?”
If you’re still feeling shy, that’s okay too.
You can take The Art of Initiation on your own and start bringing the tools and techniques back into your relationship without talking to your partner beforehand.
Sometimes seeing the difference those small changes make is exactly what gets a reluctant partner curious enough to join in!
It lives in your private online portal, Circle, which you get access to the second you buy. You log in from any browser, on your phone or your laptop, and it’s there.
There’s an audio version and a written version of every module.
There’s an audio version and a written version of every module.
Each module is 10 to 15 minutes. There’s an audio version, so it can happen on a commute or a dog walk.
You also don’t have to completely finish it to get something out of it. One module is enough to change how tonight goes.
You also don’t have to completely finish it to get something out of it. One module is enough to change how tonight goes.
That’s covered in the course.
When one person wants sex more often, initiation can start to feel like a constant cycle of asking and rejecting. The higher-desire partner can feel unwanted, while the lower-desire partner can start to feel pressured.
The Art of Initiation helps you break that cycle by figuring out what makes each of you more open to sex, what kinds of initiation actually work for you, and how to handle a “no” without either person feeling rejected or pressured.
You don’t need matching sex drives to get better at initiation. You need a way of initiating that works for the relationship you actually have.
When one person wants sex more often, initiation can start to feel like a constant cycle of asking and rejecting. The higher-desire partner can feel unwanted, while the lower-desire partner can start to feel pressured.
The Art of Initiation helps you break that cycle by figuring out what makes each of you more open to sex, what kinds of initiation actually work for you, and how to handle a “no” without either person feeling rejected or pressured.
You don’t need matching sex drives to get better at initiation. You need a way of initiating that works for the relationship you actually have.
You’ve probably tried lots of ways of initiating. But have you ever actually identified your Sex Drive Types, Initiation Styles, Ideal Conditions, “Hell YES” turn-ons, and Reconnection Plan?
Most couples haven’t. That’s the difference between trying more random stuff, and finally building a system around what actually works for the two of you.
Most couples haven’t. That’s the difference between trying more random stuff, and finally building a system around what actually works for the two of you.
You get five days to look at all of it. If it isn’t what you expected, email us and we’ll refund you. Simple.
Get out of “roommate mode” and create more opportunities for intimacy you actually want.
Initiation is one of the most profound ways you can say, “You matter to me. We matter.”
GET IT FOR ONLY
Try it risk-free for 5 days. Because your love is worth investing in.
$49
$89
Instant Lifetime Access | 5-Day Guarantee
Join now and start seeing results in as little as one week.
Special $49 price ends October 6 at 11:59pm.
After that, The Art of Initiation returns to $89.
Here’s what happens when couples put The Art of Initiation into practice: